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Texts 4 · 2017 · 4
155. My earliest years
Because I have been taken up with my childhood for some time, I thought that I may as well write a little about my first years. Then I have gone as far, as possible, in looking back in my own life. I am born in Oslo, the capital of Norway, June 8, 1955; that was a Wednesday. The first five years I lived together with my parents in a cottage in a quite large garden of a larger house. As far as I remember, the cottage had two rooms in the first floor, and a loft where we slept. There weren’t water in the cottage, so we had to go and get water from the large house; from a water tap on the outside in the summer, and from the inside of the house in the winter. The large house were a common house with two stories. The owner was woman. She was kind to my parents and me. My mother worked a little in the house, and my father worked a little in the garden, which had many fruit trees.
Satellite towns where built around Oslo city center from 1953. Individual houses were the common built‐up‐areas around Oslo city center in 1955. We lived north‐east of Oslo city center. People in my mother’s family lived in the neighborhood, and it was because of acquaintances that we got this place to live.
My mother told about that the first days, when I was at home, then they didn’t have a baby carriage; and she carried me on her arm, when she walked to the grocery store nearby to shop. So then, I got a little view of what were around me. After some days, they got a baby carriage; and then I could look up in the sky, and see the clouds, the birds, the treetops and human heads. I don’t remember anything from this very first time, but I remember that we lived at this place. I had a friend I played with, a girl at my age. I think the criminals have influenced me to change this, and to not to remember her correctly. But when I look at pictures of us two, it is as if I see something I have memory about. Outside the garden, there was a little park with a sandbox, where I also played, and I remember that there were other children there. I remember the neighbors around us, and the women who owned the house. I also remember that we had visitors; by my mother’s family in Oslo, and by our family elsewhere. In the summer, it was nice to be outdoor, outside of the cottage in the garden. We had a table and chairs outside the cottage.
Before I was born, my mother worked as a ticket collector in a bus company in Oslo. My father was working as a turner in a large shipbuilding yard in Oslo.
I remember that my parents and I now and then were asked to visit the woman, who owned the cottage. She was friendly and kind. She sent the apples to a company that made apple juice of them, because it was difficult to keep the apples without doing anything with them. When she and my parents drank coffee, she smiled and went down in the basement and found apple juice for me. She worked at the publishing firm Gyldendal Norsk Forlag (Gyldendal Norwegian Publishing Firm), and her house was full of books up along all the walls.
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Some years after we moved in 1960, one of our relatives on my mother’s side, came to us with a book for me. The book was from someone who wanted to give me that book, she said. That was what this person had said to her, that she should say. The book was “Discovery and Exploration: An atlas‐history of man’s journeys into the unknown” 1960, by Frank Debenham. (Norwegian: Jordens Erobring: En atlas‐historie om menneskets reiser inn i det ukjente, 1962, Gyldendal Norwegian Publishing Firm.) I became interested in the book, and read much in it for a long time. I also looked around in the book together with my parents, and talked about what the book was about. The book had interesting pictures and was fun to read.
Some time after this, the same person who came with the book, came and said that the person, who owned the cottage we had lived in, wanted to talk with me. And my father and I drove to her with the car. The car was bought in 1964, therefore it must has been that year or later.
She asked me if I had got the book “Discovery and Exploration: An atlas‐history of man’s journeys into the unknown.” I answered yes, and said; is it you, who gave me that book. She smiled and answered yes, and asked if I had read in the book. I answered yes. Then she asked if I could tell something from the book. And I could tell from the book, because I had read much in it. Then she became glad, and said that she had thought that I would like that book.
She asked if I remembered her. I remembered her, and said that she is kind. She asked me about how went school. She became sad when she heard that it didn’t go well at school. Then something must has ruined for you, she said to me. I didn’t understand what could have ruined for me.
She said that she didn’t have much time left to live, she had become ill. I said that was sad. She wanted to give me all her books. I answered that we didn’t have room for so many books, that we didn’t have enough book shelves. She said that I could get her book shelves. I answered that we didn’t have room for so many book shelves. She said that I didn’t remember what we had talked about. And I didn’t remember what we had talked about. Then she said, that I could get the whole house. I answered that we had our new house, and that I lived there together with my parents. She said that my parents also could live in the house, and that we could rent out the other house. She didn’t have heirs, and those she knew were old as herself. I said something about that we had to live in our new house.
When I think about this, it seems strange for me; because I had wanted to have all the books, and I had liked to have that house, and I can’t understand why I answered as I did. But I can’t remember anything about why I answered as I did.
I said that I could get some of the most important books. She said that we could start with two works. “The Outline of History”, by H. G. Wells, 1919 ‐ 1920, two volumes. (Norwegian: Wells’ verdenshistorie, 1927, Gyldendal Norwegian Publishing Firm.) And “Den store krigen” Gyldendal Norsk Forlag, 1949, three volumes. (The Great War, Gyldendal Norwegian Publishing Firm, 1949).
She said that it is important to read what people wrote, who have experienced what they write about. And from people who are near to what they write about. She also said that it is important to start to read the history from the first history books, and afterwards read the later history books. These two books “The Outline of History” isn’t the very first, she said, but these are early books. These are from shortly after the First World War, and then the Second World War hadn’t happened yet. It is important to read what were written about the First World War, before the Second World War, she said. It isn’t so much about that here, but it is a little, she said. It is important to find out about and understand why these wars happened, she said. The three books about the Second World War were written shortly after the war, and are about what just had happened, she said.
She also said that there are books at the library.
After some time I heard that she had died. I felt it as an emptiness inside of me.
Afterwards I started to go much to the city district library and borrowed books. I went to the library several times a week. Sometimes I read two books at one day if it was a free day. First I borrowed exciting youth books. After some time I had read all of those books, which I wanted to read. After that; I borrowed fiction, and also all kinds of other different books. I looked around and picked out books I became interested in, when I saw them. I liked to be at the library, and knew those who worked there. We also had books at home, which I read.
Just now, I start to wonder if the criminals have influenced me to get ha memory hallucination about that I borrowed books of Immanuel Kant 1724 ‐ 1804, and Arthur Schopenhauer 1788 ‐ 1860; to ruin what the library really was for me. What I borrowed; was anything I found at the library, it could be literature, about hobbies, technique, popular science, and anything else. I am not sure about how this was, I just thought about it now. It could be typical for the criminals to do that. This has got a dominating role in my mind, which is typical for such memory hallucinations. In 1973 I by chance bought a Norwegian paperback book with different texts of the German philosopher Ernst Bloch 1885 ‐ 1977, because I read on the backside that he was interested in science fiction in connection with other things, “På spor av virkeligheten” (On the track of the reality) Gyldendal Norwegian Publishing Firm 1972. I read that book in the meal breaks at my work, where I then just had started to work. It was summer and I went to a park in my meal breaks. I bought the book in a shop nearby to where I worked. I looked at science fiction as a genre, which were taken up with how our modern development could come to develop in a dangerous way; that the humaneness disappears, humans come under control, the development takes a dangerous direction, the humans try to be God and it goes wrong, etc. I thought that science fiction sometimes was about different warnings.
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I have some memories about that I was in the house of the person who owned the cottage, and that she had books on the table. We looked in the books together. I also have a memory about that there were another gentle person there one time, together with her. I have a memory about that she one time asked me to look at something in a book. She has been kind to me. I think we talked much when I lived in the cottage in her garden. I liked to be together with her, and became fond of her. She was a calm and clever person. She is one of the people who has marked me in a good way in my earliest years. I always remember her with joy. She is one of the people who has a place in my heart.
I have thought much about; that if I had read all those books, then I hadn’t found out about the criminals. The most important to do, is to find out about the criminals. The large house and the large garden hadn’t got me to find out about these things either. But this person’s impact on me in my first years, has helped me to find out about the criminals. I walked over to her when I saw her, and it was usually possible for me to see her every day. She meant a lot to me. I remember that she sometimes said that she didn’t have time just then, but that she had time later, and that I could come back later. Sometimes she also said that she should be away for some time, but that she came back again.
May 16, 2017, David H. Hegg
156. A conversation
After the previous text “155. My earliest years” May 16, I have remembered more from the conversation with the woman who owned the cottage; some years after we had moved. This happened in 1964 or shortly after that. This is both indistinct and clear. Word for word it is difficult to remember absolutely correct. The whole conversation is absolutely crisp and clean. I first thought that since it is difficult for me to remember correct, then I shall not write something. But after some days, it all has become crisp and clean. And it also seems as if the influences buy the criminals, can have been built on what this was about. Therefore I write about it, even it is difficult to remember 100% correct. What I write about here, is only a little of the conversation.
To remember this has a strong effect on me. It is as if I come back to myself, as I was, when I talked with the person, who I write about here.
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The woman who owned the cottage, asked me if I remember her name. I only remembered her surname. She said that she had thought about me. She said that when we said goodbye to each other, then I said her name, and I said that I wanted to come and visit her again. And now she soon should die, therefore she had asked us to come and visit her before she was dead, she said. She said what her first name is.
She had thought about that I had many friends to be together with. Do you have many friends, she asked. I answered that I didn’t have many friends. I had one friend, who was younger than me. His parents were very kind to me, and I was often at their house. I had no friends from my own school class.
She asked me how goes school, and I answered that it doesn’t go well at school. She asked what the problem is. I answered that all I write becomes wrong. Every word I write is written wrong, I only write a lot of writing errors. Many words have more than one error, I said. I can’t read either, I said. She smiled surprised and kind with a hem, and said; you have read the book I gave you. Yes, that book was fun to read, I said. Then you can read, she said. Yes, I answered.
Can you tell me something about what has happened, so it has been like that, she said. No, I don’t know why it has been like this, I answered. Can’t you tell a little bit about why, she said. No, I don’t know anything about why, I answered.
She said to me, that you are very clever. She know that, she said. When you lived here, she found out that, she said. One time there were another person there together with her, who also understood that, she said. That person worked in the same publishing firm as where she worked, she said. Maybe you will write books some day, you are clever enough to do that you, she said and smiled.
She said to me, that you are very musical. You sang so fine, she said. Do you sing now, she asked. I answered that I can’t manage to sing. That was sad to hear, she said.
She said to me, that you will come to find a way to use you abilities, in one way or another. She said to me, that you must understand that. She said that my father now had heard that, so he understand that.
When you lived here, she said, then you came over to me. And then I became fond of you, she said. You and I were much together, she said, and therefore she wanted to talk with me before she died.
She started to talk about that she wanted to give me all her books and her house. First, the conversation was about that I couldn’t live there alone, and we had a house. She said that my parents could rent out their house, and live there together with me. As we talked, I became very sad and started to say that I didn’t care about the house. I said that I love her, and not the house. That was nice to hear, she said. But you can take the house even so, she said. No, I said, I don’t want to have the house, I love you. I think your father think, that you shall have the house, she said, you can think about that. I don’t want to have the house, I said. I thought that you would be glad to get the house, she said. No, I am not glad, I am sad, I said. I don’t want that you shall die, I said. We all shall die, she said and smiled. But you shouldn’t die so early, I said. I am not so young, she said, I have lived for some time. But you could have lived a little longer, I said. She answered that she maybe had a few days left to live, but then it was over. I said that I loved her, and not the house. I don’t care about the house, I said. I felt a strong connection of understanding between us. She said that she didn’t care about the house any longer either, so then we have the same view on that, she said and smiled. I don’t want to have the house, I said, I want to be together with you. Then we can be soul friends, she said. Yes, I said, I want to be friends with you. Then I shall remember you, if there is something after this life, she said. Yes, I said, I will always be friends with you.
She said that the book I had got, was about “journeys into the unknown”, and that now she soon should travel into the unknown. She wondered about what that is.
She told me that the man she loved, had been killed in the Second World War. Then she became so sad, and she hadn’t wanted to let him down. She wanted to continue to love him who had given his life. Therefore she had lived alone, she hadn’t stopped to love him, she said with a smile. She said that the photograph over there, is a picture of him, it was a framed black and white photograph of a young man. She asked me if I saw him, and I answered that I saw him. Then you have seen him, she said, and smiled to me. Yes, I answered.
She said that she lost so many of her family and her friends in the Second World War, and she had become so sad because of that. They fought so much against what happened, she said, and many of them were killed. Therefore she had become alone. Afterwards she had wanted to work against war. There is something we don’t understand, she said. It is something we must find out about what is, which causes the wars. The First World War was terrible. The Second World War was worse. What now goes on, is even much worse, if it comes to war, she said. Yes, I answered. That mustn’t happen, she said. No, I answered.
She talked about that there is something we must find out. Something is wrong. She talked about that in the end of the two books “The Outline of History”, by H. G. Wells; he had written something about that we must stop to make war. But it hadn’t been that way. We have tried to find out about it, she said, but it is something we don’t find out about. You are so clever, maybe you can be able to find out about it, she said and smiled to me. Will you try to do that, she asked me. Yes, I answered. Then she smiled. Then your father have to take care of these books until you are grown up, she said.
She said to me, that someone will be fond of you, and you must care about her, and not be alone as she had been. Yes, I shall do that, I answered.
She talked about that the man she loved, smoked a pipe. He didn’t inhale the smoke down to his lungs, and then it wasn’t dangerous, she said. She talked about that he had said, that when he smoked that way, it worked a little, and that was exactly enough to think a little better, she said and smiled. He only smoked a little, she said. Maybe you also can do that. But you must wait until you are grown up. Then you can think even better, she said. He had one straight, and one bent pipe, she said. But then you only shall smoke a little, she said. Yes, I said. And you mustn’t let the pipe bee hot, because that is very dangerous. It doesn’t matter if the pipe goes out many times, that is only good, she said. He said that, she said and smiled. When the pipe went out, he said that only was good, because then the pipe didn’t become too hot. When he smoked, the pipe went out all the time, she said and smiled. He smoked a pipe when we talked with each other, and then the pipe went out many times, she said.
You must never start to smoke cigarettes, that isn’t anything good, she said.
She said that she now had thought about, that she maybe would come to see him again, when she was dead. She had thought about that now, when she soon should die, she said. Yes, I said, maybe you will meet each other again. I think about if it can be something like that, we don’t know, she said. Yes, we don’t know how that is, I said. If I meet him again, I shall tell him about you, she said. Yes, maybe we will meet again, I said.
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When I now remember this, I understand why I don’t have the house. I cared about her, and not about the house. And that is still true, it is her who matter to me. The house doesn’t matter to me. She has been important for me, much more that what a house can be. Of course I cared much about her, and nothing about the house. She is very important for me. The house isn’t important for me.
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The day we moved from the cottage, was a day the summer when I was five years old in 1960. We stood inside the open gate out to the road and the little park. She stood nearest to the house. I stood nearest to the gate. We talked a little when we said goodbye to each other. Goodbye David, she said. Goodbye “Name”, I said. You will come and visit me, won’t you, so I can hear how you are in your fine new house, she said. Yes, I will come and visit you, I said. Then you must take your mother and father with you, so we all meet again in a while, she said. Yes, I said. Then we only say goodbye for this time David, she said. Yes, we do that, I said. Goodbye David, she said. Goodbye “Name”, I said.
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When I came home after the last time I talked to her, I told my mother that she had continue to love the man she loved, who had given his life in the Second World War. Is it so it is with here, she answered. I said that she had wanted to give me the whole hose, but that we had our house. I don’t care about the house, I said, I love her. Yes you do, my mother answered. I said that she had talked about that it is important to work against war, and that I also wanted to do that. My mother answered that it is correct to do that.
I told about that she had a few days more to live. But afterwards I heard, that she had become so ill, that she couldn’t talk. And after some time I heard that she had died.
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After I have remembered this, I think that maybe the criminals have influenced me, based on this.
I seems for me, that pipe smoking is one thing, which it has been done much influences regarding. I have been influenced to smoke the pipe too hot in all thinkable ways. And I was influenced to put the pipe away, and start to smoke cigarettes instead of a pipe.
I have been influenced to draw too much, to make too much fire in the tobacco, and to be too much impatient with breaking in the pipe. I was also influenced to not to care about that my mouth became burned.
These influences worked strongly, and was in a way, which continued. I didn’t think about that I did it wrong, I only did it that way. I think the criminals can have done similar tings against others.
I wonder about if the criminals have wanted to ruin what pipe smoking once was. I have thought about that the criminals have influenced to cigarette smoking and inhaling of the smoke; and that they have influenced people to smoke too much. It is possible to say that it seems like, that the criminals earlier influenced people to be smoking machines.
I have thought about that they have influenced to make smoking more dangerous, than what it first was, because they don’t want that people shall smoke a pipe now and then the right way. There are signs of that some pipe smokers can have been influenced to smoke to hot pipe smoke. Then both the smoke and the mouthpiece becomes too hot, in dangerous ways. For me, it seem as the criminals very well know about that, and have influenced me to do it wrong.
It has been many influences regarding this. Is that because the criminals have wanted to ruin how she who owned the cottage, told me about pipe smoking? I think about that, and wonder if it can be like that.
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The next is how I have been influenced to start nuclear war. Is that also because of what this woman told me? I think about that, and wonder if it can be like that.
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Because the criminals have influenced me to smoke a pipe in wrong ways, I below will write a little about how I have found out about how to do it correct.
It is a bit of everything to learn about pipe smoking, here I only mention a little of this. The most common pipes are made of briar. A briar root suitable for pipe production is often between 60 and 100 years old. It is necessary to break in a new briar pipe. It pays to do this thoroughly, and not hurry. A layer of carbon will start to be build up inside the pipe bowl. Start with some half‐full pipe bowls with tobacco, or less, and be very careful so the pipe bowl doesn’t become burned. If there are pieces of ashes left in the bowl after you have emptied out the ashes, it is possible to blow down in the bowl, (protect your eyes). This causes that the pieces fly out in all directions, therefore it can’t be done everywhere. It is also possible to use something soft, to carefully only “help” the pieces out. To take the used pipe cleaner and bend it in two parallel sticks, and use the bend end, is useable. Continue with this until the bottom of the bowl shows how the layer has started to be visible. Then the most important part part is done. Continue by gradually filling up the bowl more and more.
Sometimes I have experienced that the pipe bowl seems very dried‐out, then it can be useful to carefully smoke full bowls to bring more moisture into the bowl. Watch closely what happens in the pipe bowl when you break in the pipe, be careful and try to do the best. Dried‐out wood can maybe also have caused that the pipe stem sticks too much because the wood has dried‐out and shrunken very little. To carefully roll up a little sandpaper, and turn it around inside the wood hole, the same length as the stem goes into the hole; can help. This must be done very little, and very carefully, little by little to the stem fits correctly, and not too much. The dust must be taken away.
A pipe shall not be used too often, it has to dry after use. To place the pipe straight up to dry, is the most common to do.
Pipe cleaners are used to clean the pipe stem, and the shank on the pipe bowl, after each smoke. Stop the pipe cleaners before they are into the bowl. A layer of carbon shall gradually be build up inside the bottom of the bowl. Long pipes need long pipe cleaners, made for long pipes.
When the pipe is broken in, it makes the pipe better to smoke that you use a pipe tamper, which is a useful little ting. The tamper is used to press the upper burning parts of the tobacco together now and then, that is an important little thing to do.
Never remove the entire layer of carbon inside the bowl. But before it has reached 2 mm, it is correct to remove a little of this layer with a suitable pipe tool. Or something else which is suitable to use, to only remove a little. Put it off instead of doing it wrong. The ideal carbon thickness is 1.5mm. It takes time before this is necessary. Only remove a little of it, and not this entire layer. The layer is most of all important lowest in the bowl. Here, is to remove too little; better than to remove too much. But too much carbon inside the bowl, may cause the wood to split.
The most difficult part, is when the light burns in the bottom of the pipe bowl. It is always important to smoke very carefully in this final phase. It is much better to be too careful, and learn it that way; than the opposite, which is to ruin the pipe and burn your mouth. Sometimes the briar wood maybe can give off a distinctive sweetish taste to the smoke, when the light burns in the bottom of the pipe bowl. This doesn’t have to be something wrong, but if you notice that taste, then it is time to be careful. It is better to stop too early, than too late. It can typical be a signal about, that then it is best to stop immediately. The wood can start to give off this taste just before it starts to burn.
There is need for a little extra, to get the tobacco to start burning. For example; light it, then use the tamper, and light it again. This can be in different ways. It doesn’t matter if you have to light the pipe again. The correct is to be so close to that the pipe goes out, as possible, all the time, and it doesn’t matter if you have to light again. Be careful when the light burns in the bottom, so you don’t try to set fire to the bottom of the pipe bowl. After some time you learn to understand when the tobacco is burned up. All the time it is better to be too careful, than the opposite. It doesn’t damage the pipe to be too careful, but the opposite can ruin the pipe.
Too much fire in the pipe, destroys the pipe; and is dangerous for the mouth, because the smoke and the mouthpiece become too hot. When the smoke isn’t inhaled; then it is too hot smoke in the mouth, and a too hot mouthpiece, which can be very dangerous. This takes some time to learn to do correctly.
It is necessary to smoke the pipe carefully. To move the tongue all the time, and hold it away from the opening of the mouthpiece; is smart. It is also smart to hold the mouthpiece in different places between the lips, and the opening of the mouthpiece away from all parts inside of the mouth. Don’t put the mouthpiece a long way into the mouth. Don’t let the opening of the mouthpiece point in the direction of the same point in the mouth all the time. Because of this; I always hold the pipe in my hand, and not between my teeth.
To put the pipe away now and then, to let it be colder, and then light it again, is an easy way of hindering it in being too hot. There are small simple collapsible pipe stands for that use, but there can also be many other simple things to use that way. For a long pipe, it is best to find something, which is suitable for the long pipe.
Too large pieces of tobacco cause too much fire and too hot smoke. Pipe tobacco shall be a little coarse, but not too much. There are different cuts of pipe tobacco. The cut called “Ribbon” is easy to use. These long strips of tobacco shall be filled among one another down in the pipe bowl; not too hard, and not too loosely. Beware of too big pieces, which burn too much. Crumble them to smaller pieces, or remove them. Usually there aren’t much of such. “Ribbon” is coarser than rolling tobacco, and is different from that.
Some other pipe tobaccos need to be prepared before you can fill the pipe. This has to be done correctly. For example, “Flake”, made of tobacco pressed together and sliced into flakes; is necessary to prepare the right way, before filling the pipe. Usually flake tobacco is crumbled before filling the pipe. But there are different ideas about how to do things. People who smoke a pipe, try different tobaccos to find out about them.
Long pipes have cooler smoke. Pipe filters absorb a great deal of dirt. 9 mm active charcoal pipe filters are the most used, but there are also other different types of good pipe filters. One charcoal filter, is normally for one full pipe bowl. If the side around the hole in the bowl is thin, then the pipe is more difficult to use, and it will also be more hot. The tobacco can be dry after some time, it is possible to use a “terracotta humidifying stone for tobacco”, to give the tobacco back a little humidity again, but don’t do it too much. The “terracotta stone” is like a sponge, which first is putted in water for some time, to be moist.
To only smoke a little now and then, is the correct way of smoking a pipe. If you like to smoke a pipe; then to smoke a little, is good; but to smoke too much, is bad. Don’t scamp with the pipe. It takes a little time to learn to do it correct. Be careful if you want to smoke a pipe. Don’t fool yourself; too much pipe smoking can start to cause problems, don’t lie to yourself about that. Don’t smoke too much, if you want to smoke a pipe.
If you never inhale the pipe smoke, then you never want to do that. Cigarettes aren’t suitable to smoke the same way as pipes. A pipe tastes stronger than a cigarette.
What I have written about here, is what I do myself. I can refrain from smoking a pipe for some days, for some months, or longer, that isn’t any problem for me. I can let it be as much as I want to. The effect I get from the pipe smoke is a little, and not much. The same way I think about that it is good to smoke a pipe, I also think about that it is good to let it be. If I hold the pipe with one hand, and write with the other hand, then the pipe goes out many times. Then I don’t light it again at once, because I am too much taken up with what I write.
It is more to learn about pipe smoking, than what I have written about here. Different tobaccos are different, and much more. The most important; is always to smoke carefully, and not too often. A little is good. Too much is bad. Never draw the dirty smoke down in the lungs.
Corn Cob Pipes are cheap and good. They don’t need to be broken in. But nevertheless there are possible to find a few advices about how to do it. The first few bowls, about six, will burn the shank in the bottom. This tastes bad, but let this happen to char the wood. But don’t burn your mouth! Never do that! It is possible to blow carefully down in the bowl, and do this in that way, instead of drawing. But don’t blow too much either, only a little. After a smoke, put the Corn Cob Pipe on the table and let the tobacco burn out. After the first couple of smokes, use something to knock off the charred wood in the bottom, do this about six times. Leave the natural pipe mud alone, this will build up ash and moisture at the base of the pipe. This will create a natural fill at the base of the bowl, so you don’t burn out your cobb.
Meerschaum pipes are another sort of good pipes. These white pipes shall not be broken in the same way as briar pipes. No layer of carbon shall be build up inside the bowl. There are explanations about how to use such pipes, accessible on the Internet. A brown tone will gradually be build up outside the pipe bowl, from the shank up. First smoke it only one‐third down, until the top third has been rich brown. Then do the same with the two‐thirds down. After that, you can smoke the entire bowlful. This is only a few words, to understand that these pipes are different, it is more to find out about such pipes.
There are even more different sorts of pipes, which it is possible to find out about.
Find out about the health‐related sides of pipe smoking, think of that, and don’t repress it. Never forget this. Then it is possible to smoke a pipe now and then.
If you understand that you want to smoke more than you had thought about to do; then you have to understand, that this is a weak tendency, which you not shall let start to grow stronger. This want about to smoke again, disappears when you don’t do it. Don’t smoke too much because you have started to like it, that ruins what you like.
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Coffee also makes the head more awake. Tea has the same effect, but not as much as coffee.
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If it has become difficult to deal with such influences by the criminals inside oneself, then it is best to not to stimulate one’s thoughts and difficult reactions. If such things become difficult, it helps to forget it all, and concentrate on something else for some time.
May 23, 2017, David H. Hegg
157. Understandable parts
In this text, I want to divide an incomprehensible mess, into a few understandable parts. It is an incipient way of approaching what this is about, where I reach still more insight, therefor I write in a point by point way in this text.
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After I started to think about my earliest years, I now have remembered more about the last time I talked with the owner of the cottage, where I lived in the beginning of my life, until 1960. I talked with here again in 1964, or shortly after that.
First, I have thought about that the criminals have influenced me to remember wrong about this, and not to remember anything at all about it. I only have had some pieces of wrong memory, which are such memory hallucinations, caused by the influences of the criminals. I think that one of these memory hallucinations, is that she rented out the upper floor in the house. A family with a grown‐up son, who worked in a bank, should have lived there. One time this son should have given me a boat as a birthday present. I think this is a change of how the owner gave me birthday presents. Another change, is that the neighbor on the other side of the fence, nearest to the cottage, had got the name of the owner.
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Last time I talked with her who owned the cottage, in 1964 or shortly after that, I in the end of the visit, stood with her and my father in the hall of her house, on the way out. She said to me; that last time we said goodbye, you cried, and now you also cry. I only get you to cry, she said. I cry because I love you, and don’t want to leave you, I said. Have I only ruined for you, she said. No, it doesn’t ruin for me that I miss you, I said. It doesn’t ruin for me that you have been kind to me, I said. No, she answered, I have also missed you, and that hasn’t ruined for me ether.
Why haven’t you come and visit me, as I said you could do together with your parents, she asked. My mother said that I shouldn’t disturb you any more, and that you had been kind to me because we lived in the cottage, I said. You didn’t disturb me, I had been glad to see you all again, she said. Maybe I should have visited you, she said. That had been nice, I said. When you lived here, I sometimes came and got you, because I had said to you that you could come to me later, but I understood that you didn’t know when later was, she said. Maybe your mother then also said that you shouldn’t disturb me, she said. Yes, I said. It was fun for me to be together with you, she said. It was fun for me to be together with you too, I said. When you lived here, I liked to have you all here, she said.
What can it be that has caused your problems, she said. When you had mowed, I heard from the person who asked me to let you live here, that you had many friends and a good life, she said. Then I became glad because you had got many friends, she said. I let you live here, because she said that you were so good people, and that was true, she said. Do you remember the friends you had then, she asked. I don’t remember that I had any friends, I said. We talked about this.
This must have started just when you started school, she said. Was it something that happened just before you started school, which was different from what it normally was, she asked. I was at the mountain summer pasture together with my mother’s mother, I answered. Then it can be something, which has happened there, she said. Do you remember something about that, she asked. No, I answered. Did you have other friends to play with at the mountain summer pasture, she asked. Yes, I answered, I had some other friends to play with there. So, then you had other friends to play with there, but when you came home, you didn’t have other friends to play with anymore, she said. Then it can be something, which has happened at the mountain summer pasture, that you don’t understand, she said. Your parents must try to find out about what that can be, but that can be difficult, because it can be someone who have done something against you, which you don’t understand, and that person or maybe more than one, don’t want that others shall understand what it is, she said. Yes, my father answered desperately. It can be difficult to find out about that, so then it is best to be careful, she said. Yes, my father answered. I don’t know who these people are, so I can’t understand anything about that, she said.
Then you have to remember, that to love someone you don’t see, is something good you have inside yourself, that never will ruin for you, she said. Yes, I answered. Then we all three said goodbye to one another.
Later I said to my mother that we could go and visit her again. But my mother got to know that she had been so ill, that she couldn’t talk. Some time after that, I heard that she had died. There were never talk about the books and the house again, at home with my parents, after my father and I had visited her. If my parents said something about her afterwards, they always were friendly. My mother said her name to me one time, many years afterwards.
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I also have started to remember more from the time I lived in the cottage. I remember that I run over to the owner when I saw her by her house in the garden, and called out her name two times.
I also remember that I was inside her house, and was so glad to see all the books around me. I looked around at all the books in the room. She smiled kindly to me.
The first five years of my life; this was my world, and it was a good world. At this place I also had my parents, there were good neighbors around, and good friends that I played with.
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I don’t know what my parents did, after the last time my father and I talked with the owner of the cottage. It is likely that they maybe talked to my mother’s mother. Other people who my mother’s mother had taken control over, were the same. It only did it worst to talk to them all. Nothing changed. Noting became cleared up. I continued to be by my mother’s mother in the summer vacations.
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In the summer 1962, my mother’s mother had talked bad to me about my friend’s father where I lived at home, in a way I didn’t understand, regarding that he was communist. But I didn’t remember that later, and my parents didn’t find out abut it. I hadn’t understood a word about what my mother’s mother had talked about. My mother’s mother knew that my father was friendly against my friend’s father, who was communist. She also knew that my mother was friendly against him. My parents never talked about that to me. My friend’s father never talked to me about that either. Together with my parents, I had contact with people with different political affiliations, and my parents didn’t talk bad about any of them. What my mother’s mother had said to me, had got me to talk to my friend about something I didn’t understand anything about, and I didn’t remember it or understood anything about it afterwards. None of my earlier friends and their families at home, wanted to be together with me more. I didn’t understand why.
Of course this became sad for my father, who didn’t understand anything at all. All our neighbors were his fellow workers on his job. All these people started freezing us out, without saying anything to us about why, and none of us understood why.
At home there were many relatives and friends who visited us often, so there were lively at home.
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In 1962 when my mother’s mother, her youngest daughter and I; had arrived the mountain summer pasture, my mother’s mother said to her youngest daughter that she should tell my mother, that everything was fine. But I didn’t want to be there. I felt bad. I didn’t know my mother’s mother. It was painful for me to stand there on the courtyard and listen to what she said. My mother's mother had surprised my mother by starting to talk about this, before we traveled to the mountain summer pasture.
In the beginning, I didn’t want to be by my mother’s mother at the mountain summer pasture. I cried when my parents went home, and I stood back. When they came to take me home, I became very glad to see them again. Then my mother’s mother said that I had had it so good at the mountain summer pasture. My parents thought that was true, because I became so glad to see them again, and didn’t have to be there anymore. Over the years, I didn’t remember anything about how this had started. I started to feel that it was good to be at the mountain summer pasture, and bad to be at home. I didn’t understand anything about what had happened with me. In the beginning, it was good for me to be at home, and bad for me to be at the mountain summer pasture. But after some years, I didn’t remember that anymore.
My mother’s mother took control over my childhood, and ruined my childhood in a way, which was very painful and ruinous for me. Regarding this, she also took control over my parents and others around me. She had a dominating behavior regarding this. All the time she talked about how good it was for me to be at the mountain summer pasture. Many nice things happened at the mountain summer pasture.
For my mother’s mother, the mountain summer pasture was the best place of all places. And it was a nice place.
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Now I also have thought about, that in the seven first years of my life, before the summer 1962; then my parents and I didn’t visit my mother’s mother and my mother’s father so much. And they didn't visit us more than on rare occasions once in a while. I have photographs of that we had summer vacations, where we traveled around to different places in Norway. I think that in the seven first years of my life, then my mother’s mother still hadn’t had so much contact with my father and me. She didn’t know my father and me to any great extent, and she didn’t know about how we lived in our new home. My father and I didn’t know her. So in the beginning of the summer 1962, my mother’s mother and I didn’t know each other. And my father didn’t know her. My mother and father didn’t understand how she was.
Later, my mother and father helped my mother’s parents most of all, and we had much to do with them.
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What I have written about above, have points of similarity with what happened with me in 1986, and what at the same time happened with my daughter and her mother. The father of my daughter’s mother had many points of similarity with my mother’s mother, but he didn’t have the same political view. He liked the communists.
I think that both my daughter’s mother’s father, and my mother’s mother; could have started to understand about this, if it all had been cleared up, and we had known about what the criminals are doing. It is difficult to understand about what the criminals are doing, but it isn’t impossible. These criminals ruin people they influence and use, that is what this is. Without the criminals, nothing of this had happened. These influences are conquering.
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The last time my daughter and I were together in 1986, we had a friendly time together. We all three with her mother, also sat and talked friendly with one another at my kitchen for a while. When her mother came and brought her home to her place, where her family had visited them, she promised our daughter that she should be more together with me afterwards. When I phoned my daughter’s mother the day after, to talk about this, she only put down the receiver. This was because her father had started to take control owe her; and over all other people around her, our daughter and me. He had a dominating behavior regarding this. I didn’t know about what happened, and I didn’t understand anything. This only became worse and worse. The same happened in 1986, as in 1962.
In 1974, something similar also happened around my daughter’s mother’s father. That was before my daughter was born. He ruined for people he cared about and wanted to help. He said wrong and bad things about other people in these people’s life, and ruined for them in that way also. He didn’t understand what he did, and didn’t understand what happened. I don’t think he did that because he wanted to ruin for them, I think it was something he didn’t understand. He had a dominating behavior regarding this. This was something I talked about to my daughter’s mother in 1986, just before the problems started. In 1974 I didn’t understand what happened, but I found out that it was wrong, by talking with people. I tried to help these people, but thigs started to happen which became more and more incomprehensible for me.
When first my mother, and afterwards my father; came to talk with my daughter’s mother to get things in order again in 1986, her family always was there. My parents only met my daughter’s mother’s father, who took control over them instead of getting things in order. My parents didn’t know him. This only became worse and worse, and more and more people came under this control. My daughter was more connected with my family and my parents, than to her mother’s family and her mother’s parents. And my parents never wanted to take her away from her mother, they were glad because she and her mother had a good life. They never said anything wrong about her mother to her.
Here also another person started to do the same, to take more and more control over all around me. That was the psychiatrist, whom my doctor talked with in her meal breaks. Instead of being of help, the psychiatrist did everything worse and worse, and ruined our lives more and more.
In the end, later that year, a relative of the psychiatrist arranged a mental test out of me. That was because I shouldn’t be able to travel to my parents, who lived some hours’ traveling time away. Then they did exactly the same as my mother’s father was doing, only much worse. That psychiatrist stood smiling and glad in the middle of many different people, who all betrayed me more and more, the same way as this already had done more and more against me already.
In addition to this, these psychiatrists also involved both our families in this test out, and lied to them all and betrayed them all, in a terribly way. This resulted in a total destruction of the both families in a constantly increasing way.
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Shortly before this happened in 1986, I said to my daughter’s mother, that it is as if her father had obsessive thoughts. That was regarding what had happened in 1974. I talked about this because I wanted to help him. And I didn’t say this to others. But it was the criminals who had influenced me to say that. Afterwards the family of my daughter’s mother started to say to everybody that I had obsessive thoughts, which wasn’t true.
Shortly before this happened in 1986, I also said to my daughter’s mother, that her father did something wrong in 1974: I said that he could have come in prison for that. I didn’t mean that he should come in prison, I only wanted to emphasize that what he did in 1974 was wrong. I said that he hadn’t understood what he did. It is the criminals who have influenced me to say that also. Afterwards I think he started to say to everybody that I should have been in prison.
They started to talk about that I had been bad against my daughter’s mother. That wasn’t true. I had helped her to get a good place to live. All these people only ruined it for her. At the same time, they talked bad about me, who had helped her to get a good place to live. Later they said that I had been bad against my daughter. That wasn’t true either. It was themselves who were terrible bad against my daughter, her mother and me. I had also helped my daughter’s mother’s father a great deal, and I couldn’t understand that he started to talk bad against me behind my back, I didn’t do that about him.
Everything people said was wrong.
What became so painful; is how this became impossible to find out about and understand. That continued to take more and more control over our situation.
I haven’t caused my daughter any pain. My daughter and I, only have good memories to look back to. It is the same with my daughter’s mother. What has caused pain, is this control. And it is the criminals who have caused this control. To come out of this control, will stop the pain. The control controls our situation in a way that ruins for us, in a painful way. That is what it is, which is painful. To come out of this control, will stop this pain.
This control ruins what is good inside ourselves regarding one another. That is what is painful.
My family have also been kind to my daughter and her mother. They haven’t caused them pain either. My mother’s mother and my mother’s father also wanted to be kind to my daughter and her mother.
What first happened, was that the psychiatrist, who had meal breaks together with my doctor, got the police to start to take me away from my daughter, again and again, month after month. What it really was, is that she got the police to start to take the father away from my daughter. This only became worse and worse afterwards, this is what caused my daughter and her mother pain. Because this only became hidden more and more, it has become worse and worse. That day this happened, I hadn’t done a little wrong thing at all. The situation was quite contrary to that, I had been helpful. But I didn’t understand anything about what happened. I didn’t know that my doctor had anything to do with this. Why should the doctor start to do something like this? It couldn’t occur to me that the doctor was involve in this. I didn’t talk to my parents, because I was used to take care about myself, and I didn’t want to bother them.
When the psychiatrist started the test out of me a few weeks later. She said to my daughter’s mother’s family that they, had got me committed to a mental hospital. That was a lie; I had been called on the phone and asked to come, because they should help me in coming in contact with my daughter again. That was also a lie. It was because I shouldn’t be able to travel to my parents and talk about what had happened. What the psychiatrist had said to my daughter’s mother’s family, about that I had been committed to a mental hospital, was something they immediately called to my parents and said to them. All these lies from these people took total control over everything, and ruined it all. I lost my memory from minute to minute, in the end I didn’t remember anything about what had happened.
The health problem I had contacted the doctor for in 1986, was rheumatism with muscle pains and problems because of that, nothing else had I contacted the doctor for.
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Behind all of these, are the criminals who I came in contact with; around eight o’clock in the morning, Monday, December 29, 1975. It is first now recently I have remembered and found out a little about them, so these criminals are difficult to find out about.
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In this text, I have wanted to divide the incomprehensible mess these things are, into a few understandable parts. It is only an incipient, shortened and simplification point by point description of it all.
May 28, 2017, David H. Hegg
158. The first step
Now I have thought about another memory, which I think must be a memory hallucination by the criminals. It doesn’t seem likely that this has happened. It also have the dominating way of being, which overshadows all other things. Therefore this also indicates, that this is a memory hallucination. I think it is, that the criminals have influenced to a knife in my mind, in this way, to create a gradually development with other memory hallucinations of knifes and weapons, to influence me to be fond of weapons. Therefore, I think this is the first step in a series of other steps, to influence me to be taken up with weapons. This is as if I have been influenced to be fond of knifes.
The memory hallucination is: “I was about three or four years old. I was in the neighborhood close by, outside a neighbor beside us, where it was easy and usual for me to walk about. I had hurt myself in my head, and got a lump in the forehead. A teenage girl I knew, lived in the house; she was older than me, so maybe she was a little older than a teenager. When she saw the lump in my forehead, she became taken up with that it was something she had to do. And she said that it was correct to put a cold knife on the lump. She ran into their house and fetched a large kitchen knife, and came out again and laid the flat side of the cold knife on the lump, and held it there for a while. After some time, she said that now it had become better again. My mother came, and the girl said what she had done. And I said that now it had been better again.”
In connection to this, it is as if the person who influenced me in 1975, has said: “And then you shall take the knife in your hand, and feel that you are strong with a weapon in your hand. Then you have been a grown‐up man. You have been cold and callous. You shall shoot and kill, instead of reading and writing. You have been a dangerous person.”This isn’t something I remember from the room, where the influences were done in 1975. It is as if someone has said this to me. It is something, which became linked to the memory hallucination about the cold knife, after I first had thought much about that memory hallucination for some days now. Earlier I have “remembered” this memory hallucination for many years.
When I in 1964 or later, talked to the woman who owned the cottage, she said that the people around there liked me, when she wanted to give me the house. Therefore it is likely that I had contact with this neighbor, and knew her well. Therefore this is something the criminals have wanted to use in this way, to link this memory hallucination to someone I was fond of early in my childhood.
I think about that the criminals want, that we shall use weapons and kill one another; instead of using pens etc. and write.
They want us to make wars against one another with weapons, and kill one another so we become death; instead of talking with one another, and get one another to understand and be more clever.
The criminals want to influence to conflicts of all kinds; to ruin how people can develop their peaceful organized ways of political possibilities. To develop such ways of organized political possibilities, need time and a gradual gaining of knowledge, with learning by doing. I think it is this long‐lasting development of learning, about how to find ways to do this, which is what, the criminals want to ruin. This is something the people need many years to develop in peaceful ways. It has to do with all aspects of being humans and the whole social life. It seems as if, that the criminals want to ruin this peaceful constructive long‐lasting activity of peaceful active populations in the world. It seems as if the criminals want to own the world.
How all become more clever and understand more; that are something, which forms the basis of good societies.
May 30, 2017, David H. Hegg
159. A hidden story
In the text “157. Understandable parts” May 28, 2017, in the third section and under the first dividing dot; I wrote about that I remembered that the owner of the cottage rented out the upper floor. I was taken up with that I could have been influenced to get a memory hallucination about this. Now I have been at the library, and looked in old address books from the time when I lived there, before 1960. And I found one name more than the owner, at this address. That must be that the owner rented out a room, or maybe the whole upper floor.
The names in these address books also have information about what the people worked with. There are both an alphabetical register, and a street address register. In the alphabetical register, it stood that this person worked in the bank where I was influenced in 1975. In the street address register, it stood that he worked in a bookstore. I looked in four different address books, and all four books had the same information. Under the alphabetical register of names, he worked in the bank where I was influenced. Under the street address register of street names, he worked in a bookstore.
Now I have also looked at a photograph of this bank, photographed from above. The photograph looks down on the roof. And the bank has a top story on top of the roof. This top story has its outer walls a considerable distance away from the outer sides of the underlying roof. Because of that, this top story can’t be seen from the street. Therefore I earlier thought the bank had five stories, because I had counted them from the street. But the correct is that it has six stories. And the top story can’t be seen from the street.
I also found out that I had been influenced to remember a wrong name of the owner, who owned the cottage where I lived as a child. The correct name had been in my mind, together with other names, but I had chosen the wrong name among these different names. Now I have the correct name again.
June 1, 2017, David H. Hegg
160. Incomprehensible suffering
In the beginning of the summer 1962, my mother’s mother came and took me away from what was my life. After that, I never came back to what was my life again. I haven’t understood about it before now, 55 years later. What I came back to after the summer in 1962, was how my life became ruined. My mother’s mother had taken me away from my contact with my parents, and I didn’t come back to the contact with my parents again either. My friends didn’t want to be together with me anymore. I didn’t understand what had happened, or what this was. I didn’t understand anything about why it was as it was.
I was seven years old in 1962, and started school for the first time. At school everything became an incomprehensible mental suffering for me from the beginning. I didn’t understand the connection between other people and myself anymore. I didn’t understand that something had happened, everything only was like this.
After the summer in 1962, this became more and more mentally painful for me to an increasing degree. I didn’t understand what happened, and I didn’t remember anything that could get me to understand why it had became like this. My parents didn’t find out what had happened, and didn’t know what it was, and didn’t understand what it was. It had been a state of incomprehensible mental suffering for me. I didn’t know that this had started at a certain point of time, and I didn’t know that something had happened at all.
Before Christmas 1962, I had become terrible thin. When I came to my grandparents on my father’s side at Christmas 1962, they became desperate and shocked by seeing how I looked. In a tearful voice they break out: “How is it you look.” As Christmas gift, they gave me an ordinary plate, a soup plate and cutlery; and I started to eat again with these things. But the mental suffering continued. Over the years after 1962, this developed, and molded me in a way that I didn’t understand. Gradually I became used to having it like this, and my life got different positive sides, between these problematic sides, which I didn’t understand what was.
My parents didn’t understand anything, because everybody who knew something or other, lied to them about what they knew. Or they didn’t know what had happened, and only thought something wrong instead. What they then was told, got them to begin to develop thoughts about something completely wrong, instead of what was true.
In 1975, the criminals influenced me in a way that was based on, what happened to me in 1962. In 1986 something ruinous happened, which became something incomprehensible in 1986, based on something more incomprehensible for me from 1962. It is not until now, that I have started to understand about how this has been.
The criminals didn’t start with their crimes in 1975. I think they already in 1962 was thoroughly under way, and that they had been that for a long time in 1962. I was a child and only seven years old in 1962, but the criminals were grown‐up people who had lived for a long time. I don’t know what the criminals have to do with what happened to me in 1962, but in one way or another it had to do with what they were doing at that time.
One of the things it is difficult to understand about this, is the systematic way this has developed, and how it is linked up.
I have thought about that my own life after 1962, became as it was for people, before the modern political development started late in the years between 1800 to 1900. After 1962, the life became a suffering I didn’t understand. That was also the situation for the people late in the years between 1800 to 1900. Theirs lives had became a suffering they didn’t understand. The modern political development was about understanding about this suffering, and about being able to put this understanding into constructive politics. Politics was about all sides of being humans. Because this understanding has disappeared from today’s politics, today’s political development lacks understanding about how this still is a problem.
June 7, 2017, David H. Hegg
161. A mental state
Recently I have written about how everything became ruined for me, the summer 1962. It is still something that is missing, to be able to understand why this could go as wrong as it did. My thoughts have circled around that, all the time the last weeks, and I have some dim memories about this. Because this is what explains why it became as terrible, as it did, I will write about it here.
When my mother’s mother fetched me, and took me with her to the mountain summer pasture in 1962, she had a particular purpose for doing that. She wanted to take me away from my friend, who had a father, who was communist. She knew that my mother and father was kindly towards the communists they knew, although they didn’t were communists themselves. At home I was used to having a balanced understanding about such things, where we always looked at such things from different points of views. But I hadn’t talked exactly about politics and political parties with my parents when I was seven years old. At this time, the communists had political representatives in the Norwegian Parliament.
My mother’s mother had a one‐sided and strong negative attitude towards the communists. But she didn’t know anything about these political issues. It is also possible to say, that my mother’s mother had her wrong political ideas, because of lack of political commitment. She didn’t want to know and understand about these things at all, and denied all facts that did these issues complicated. She didn’t discuss this with my parents; she took me away, to influence me when I was away from my parents and my home. She didn’t discuss these political issues with others. She talked to my mother in a way, so my mother didn’t understand what she wanted to do. My mother thought it was something good for me, to be at the mountain summer pasture, the same way as it had been for her, when she was a child. And my mother continued to look at this in that way.
When I was alone with my mother’s mother at the mountain summer pasture in 1962, something must has happened, which caused, what happened afterwards. It has to be something, which caused how terrible this became afterwards.
The one‐sided and strong negative attitude towards the communists, that my mother’s mother had, was combined with wrong ideas about some different other things also. She didn’t have such wrong ideas regarding all sorts of things, which was how she usually was. This is something I have thought about, that typical can be influences by the criminals, regarding different people. It is correct to say, that my mother’s mother was a victim of these wrong ideas, they ruined for her in a way she didn’t understand. My understanding is that my mother’s mother had clear signs of being influenced by the criminals, but I don’t know if it was like that, or if it was in another way. Without doubt, it was something. My mother’s mother and my mother’s father lived on a small farm, a smallholding.
Because the criminals influence everything, all political ideas, and the connections between them all; everything has become wrong. The criminals don’t want that people shall understand what they are doing. This is something important regarding how my mother’s mother also was a victim because of this, the same way as all the others were.
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I have some dim memories about how my mother’s mother talked to me in ways, that caused the terrible situation afterwards. This is difficult for me to find out correct. These dim memories are only some incoherent glimpses.
My mother’s mother had made up her mind, to manage to take me away from my friend. I didn’t know anything about what communism was, and she knew that. Therefore, she only alleged that I had to believe in what she said, because she said it. I didn’t understand anything about what she was talking about.
Because it is difficult for me to be sure about what my mother’s mother said to me this summer. It will be correct to say, that she said terrible bad and cruel things about my friend’s father, who she never had seen or talked with. When I reacted against her, she did it more, and then I reacted more against her. She said more and more terrible and cruel things about my friend’s father. She pushed my parents aside, and put herself over them, because she was the mother of my mother. She talked in such ways, as that I wasn’t allowed to be together with such people, etc. I have a feeling of that she has tried to frighten and threaten me. Still, she didn’t get me to agree with her. But she managed to trick me.
I have thought about that she have said, that my friend’s father should had been killed, but I don’t remember that she have said that. That was if so, a fit of rage, where she had lost the control over herself, because of an incoherent and bewildered rage, which she had held inside herself for a year or so. I think that I have reacted terrible against this. This fit in perfectly with how people around me reacted against me, when I came home again.
Because this went back and forth between us, she manipulated me more and more, and I didn’t understand anything about what she was talking about. In the end, she became afraid of that I would tell my parents about what she had done, and then she also manipulated that away. Afterwards she also regretted, and was sorry for what she had done, and then she messed everything up even more.
If my parents had found out what my mother’s mother had done against me, then I never had been allowed to be together with her alone anymore.
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What explains why this became so terrible wrong; is that when I had come home again, I didn’t remember this, and I didn’t understand anything about it. When I went to talk to my friend after the summer, everything had changed from how it was before the summer, and he had got new friends. We weren’t friends as before any longer, and that became terribly wrong and sad for me. In a moment I said something, because of what my mother’s mother had done to me, which I didn’t understand what was. This was something terrible bad and cruel about my friend’s father, but I didn’t understand that, because I didn’t understand what I said. Everything was changed and ruined both inside myself, and around me. I have always remembered my friend’s father as a kind man, and I have never had any other understanding about him.
Before the summer, I was used to that I had control over my own situation at home by myself. After the summer, my mother’s mother had taken control over me; in a way I didn’t understand, and didn’t have control over, by myself anymore.
My mother’s mother had taken control over me, and manipulated me in a way I didn’t understand, therefore I said something which I didn’t understand, that I said. I was in a state where I didn’t understand what my mother’s mother had done to me. This got everyone around us to start to be angry against my parents and me, but no one said anything about why. I didn’t understand, and didn’t remember, that this had happened, and my parents didn’t know about it either.
It was this mental state I was in, that was the problem. This state was a mentally ruined state, and I didn’t come out of that state again, it continued and became worse. No one understood or knew what had happened with me. I didn’t understand, and didn’t know about it, myself either. Everything had become terrible for me, but I didn’t understand anything about why. I didn’t understand that it was a cause for it. Everything only was like that. This mental state became a result of all the different things, which together made everything worse for me.
This whole situation and how it happened and developed, took control over me in a way I didn’t understand, and I didn’t remember anything about it. I lost my memory about it immediately. Everything was incomprehensible for me. I didn’t tell my parents about it, because I couldn’t understand that it had happened something. I didn’t understand anything at all.
When I said these bad things about my friend’s father, he asked if it was my mother and father who said that. And I answered yes, in a way, which was, that I didn’t understand anything at all. What I was used to, had been ruined inside myself, and around me. My parents didn’t know about this, and they didn’t found out about it afterwards either. I remember that I answered yes to my friend; but I don’t remember what I had said.
This state I was in, when I wanted to talk to my friend again, is what explains what happened. I became desperate and felt sorry, but I didn’t understand about it. I hadn’t want to be at the mountain summer pasture together with my mother’s mother, but I didn’t understand that any longer either. Then I desperately said something terrible bad and cruel about my friend’s father, because of what my mother’s mother had done to me, but I didn’t understand that I said something. I neither remembered nor understood what I had said. My parents never talked like my mother’s mother had done. And my mother’s mother knew that. My parents didn’t know what she had done to me. Therefore, my parents didn’t understand what had happened.
My mother’s mother hasn’t had any influence over me regarding the communism, because I didn’t understand anything about what she talked about this summer. I didn’t understand that she had talked about communism. I didn’t know, or didn’t understand, what communism was either.
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The year after the summer 1963, I went to my friend to talk with him again, about that we could walk to school together. He should start school a year after me. That must be because my mother’s mother had regretted what she had done the year before, and she wanted to make it well again. She talked with me about that I should go to my friend, and talk with him again, when I came home. But she didn’t know anything at all about my life at home, and only messed it up more and more every time she meddled in my life at home.
My friend didn’t want to have anything to do with me, and he should start at another school, than the school I went to. I didn’t understand anything about why he didn’t want to be together with me. I didn’t understand anything about why no one wanted to be together with me. I was together with my mother’s mother at the mountain summer pasture every summer during my childhood. My parents wasn’t able to do anything with my problems, because they didn’t know why it had been like that. But my mother’s mother was able to make things worse than she already had done. I didn’t understand anything. My mother’s mother was always kind to me, and I couldn’t understand that she did something, that ruined for me. This developed an incoherent and destructive mess in my mind, which I didn’t understand. How things was in my life, from year to year; disappeared in my mind, from year to year. My parents thought it was good for me to be at the mountain summer pasture, because they never heard anything else.
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One thing about the communism, that has been misunderstood, is the question about ownership. The communism is taken up with this question, because of how they think that it is wrong, that people own power over other people. I think the criminals have influenced bout the communists, and all the others, to understand everything wrong about this question about ownership of power over other humans. I also think that the criminals have influenced people to be communists in wrong ways. I think the criminals have messed up everything, and also influenced people to get all kinds of different political ideas in wrong ways. It is necessary for us to find out about this. I think it is trickery by the criminals, how the communism has been at the center of a problematic political situation, after 1900.
The communism is also taken up with the question about war. The communism looks at wars as something wrong, that power holders do, to gain more power over other people. But all modern responsible political ideas are against wars in such ways. I think the criminals have used the communism, and all the other political ideas also, to hide what they really are doing. The criminal’s have influenced all political ideas in wrong ways. It is necessary for us to find out about this. Everything has become wrong.
My thoughts about communism, is that it originally was groups of people, who came together because they wanted to develop their knowledge and understanding about humans and societies. I think that originally the communists weren’t political parties, I think about the time around 1900.
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I have never had a one‐sided political way of thinking. I am used to looking at each political topic from different political points of views. My father said to me, that he thought it was dangerous if one political party got too much power. He said; that he thought, that it was best, that the power was distributed between different political parties. My mother said to me, that different people with different political views, all wanted to do something good in different ways. She thought about our family and friends. I wasn’t taught by my parents to believe in one particular political party. I have thought much about that all responsible people, will believe in what is true; and that it is important to find out about what is true. I also think that this was what, it all was about, early in our modern political development, from around 1900. What happened; was that all political parties changed their ways of thinking.
My opinion is; that it is necessary to find out about, and understand about, what the criminals are doing. I think they have messed up everything, which has to do with politics.
My mother’s mother hasn’t had any influence over my political thinking at all. I have never got a single sign of that she cared about politics at all. She cared much about everything she could know about in her local environment, where she was a positive and active person.
Actually, I think that my mother’s mother didn’t have any political opinion. I think that she only was political confused.
I also think about, that what it was, which was ruined for my mother’s mother, was to be a normal mother’s mother. A normal mother’s mother had been glad to have visitors, and asked her grandchild about how things go. I think that is what, my mother’s mother really had wanted to be. If she had done that; then she had got to know, that I had much fun, and that everything was going very well. And she could have been glad to hear that.
I have an experience of that I am influenced to not to be able to understand, that my mother’s mother was influenced by the criminals. But I don’t know if that is correct.
My life has become an incomprehensible mess. To find out about it, and understand about it, is something positive, which gives meaning.
June 11, 2017, David H. Hegg
162. A key
Some few days ago, I got some sentences in my thoughts. I experienced it as something, which the person, who influenced me in 1975, could have said. But I didn’t remember that he sat in that room and said this. It was only these sentences, without any connection to a situation, which I could remember. It was as if these sentences came from that person in 1975.
From time to time I have got such thoughts. Then I typical have thought that these influences cause all kinds of such sentences, and I haven’t always cared more about it. This time I thought that this is something, which I shall write about, even if I don’t know why I got these sentences in my mind. Here are these sentences.
“It is a key here. And that don’t you know what is. Because that is these words. One day this has been your new being.”
June 12, 2017, David H. Hegg