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161. A mental state

Recently I have written about how everything became ruined for me, the summer 1962. It is still something that is missing, to be able to understand why this could go as wrong as it did. My thoughts have circled around that, all the time the last weeks, and I have some dim memories about this. Because this is what explains why it became as terrible, as it did, I will write about it here.

When my mother’s mother fetched me, and took me with her to the mountain summer pasture in 1962, she had a particular purpose for doing that. She wanted to take me away from my friend, who had a father, who was communist. She knew that my mother and father was kindly towards the communists they knew, although they didn’t were communists themselves. At home I was used to having a balanced understanding about such things, where we always looked at such things from different points of views. But I hadn’t talked exactly about politics and political parties with my parents when I was seven years old. At this time, the communists had political representatives in the Norwegian Parliament.

My mother’s mother had a one‐sided and strong negative attitude towards the communists. But she didn’t know anything about these political issues. It is also possible to say, that my mother’s mother had her wrong political ideas, because of lack of political commitment. She didn’t want to know and understand about these things at all, and denied all facts that did these issues complicated. She didn’t discuss this with my parents; she took me away, to influence me when I was away from my parents and my home. She didn’t discuss these political issues with others. She talked to my mother in a way, so my mother didn’t understand what she wanted to do. My mother thought it was something good for me, to be at the mountain summer pasture, the same way as it had been for her, when she was a child. And my mother continued to look at this in that way.

When I was alone with my mother’s mother at the mountain summer pasture in 1962, something must has happened, which caused, what happened afterwards. It has to be something, which caused how terrible this became afterwards.

The one‐sided and strong negative attitude towards the communists, that my mother’s mother had, was combined with wrong ideas about some different other things also. She didn’t have such wrong ideas regarding all sorts of things, which was how she usually was. This is something I have thought about, that typical can be influences by the criminals, regarding different people. It is correct to say, that my mother’s mother was a victim of these wrong ideas, they ruined for her in a way she didn’t understand. My understanding is that my mother’s mother had clear signs of being influenced by the criminals, but I don’t know if it was like that, or if it was in another way. Without doubt, it was something. My mother’s mother and my mother’s father lived on a small farm, a smallholding.

Because the criminals influence everything, all political ideas, and the connections between them all; everything has become wrong. The criminals don’t want that people shall understand what they are doing. This is something important regarding how my mother’s mother also was a victim because of this, the same way as all the others were.

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I have some dim memories about how my mother’s mother talked to me in ways, that caused the terrible situation afterwards. This is difficult for me to find out correct. These dim memories are only some incoherent glimpses.

My mother’s mother had made up her mind, to manage to take me away from my friend. I didn’t know anything about what communism was, and she knew that. Therefore, she only alleged that I had to believe in what she said, because she said it. I didn’t understand anything about what she was talking about.

Because it is difficult for me to be sure about what my mother’s mother said to me this summer. It will be correct to say, that she said terrible bad and cruel things about my friend’s father, who she never had seen or talked with. When I reacted against her, she did it more, and then I reacted more against her. She said more and more terrible and cruel things about my friend’s father. She pushed my parents aside, and put herself over them, because she was the mother of my mother. She talked in such ways, as that I wasn’t allowed to be together with such people, etc. I have a feeling of that she has tried to frighten and threaten me. Still, she didn’t get me to agree with her. But she managed to trick me.

I have thought about that she have said, that my friend’s father should had been killed, but I don’t remember that she have said that. That was if so, a fit of rage, where she had lost the control over herself, because of an incoherent and bewildered rage, which she had held inside herself for a year or so. I think that I have reacted terrible against this. This fit in perfectly with how people around me reacted against me, when I came home again.

Because this went back and forth between us, she manipulated me more and more, and I didn’t understand anything about what she was talking about. In the end, she became afraid of that I would tell my parents about what she had done, and then she also manipulated that away. Afterwards she also regretted, and was sorry for what she had done, and then she messed everything up even more.

If my parents had found out what my mother’s mother had done against me, then I never had been allowed to be together with her alone anymore.

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What explains why this became so terrible wrong; is that when I had come home again, I didn’t remember this, and I didn’t understand anything about it. When I went to talk to my friend after the summer, everything had changed from how it was before the summer, and he had got new friends. We weren’t friends as before any longer, and that became terribly wrong and sad for me. In a moment I said something, because of what my mother’s mother had done to me, which I didn’t understand what was. This was something terrible bad and cruel about my friend’s father, but I didn’t understand that, because I didn’t understand what I said. Everything was changed and ruined both inside myself, and around me. I have always remembered my friend’s father as a kind man, and I have never had any other understanding about him.

Before the summer, I was used to that I had control over my own situation at home by myself. After the summer, my mother’s mother had taken control over me; in a way I didn’t understand, and didn’t have control over, by myself anymore.

My mother’s mother had taken control over me, and manipulated me in a way I didn’t understand, therefore I said something which I didn’t understand, that I said. I was in a state where I didn’t understand what my mother’s mother had done to me. This got everyone around us to start to be angry against my parents and me, but no one said anything about why. I didn’t understand, and didn’t remember, that this had happened, and my parents didn’t know about it either.

It was this mental state I was in, that was the problem. This state was a mentally ruined state, and I didn’t come out of that state again, it continued and became worse. No one understood or knew what had happened with me. I didn’t understand, and didn’t know about it, myself either. Everything had become terrible for me, but I didn’t understand anything about why. I didn’t understand that it was a cause for it. Everything only was like that. This mental state became a result of all the different things, which together made everything worse for me.

This whole situation and how it happened and developed, took control over me in a way I didn’t understand, and I didn’t remember anything about it. I lost my memory about it immediately. Everything was incomprehensible for me. I didn’t tell my parents about it, because I couldn’t understand that it had happened something. I didn’t understand anything at all.

When I said these bad things about my friend’s father, he asked if it was my mother and father who said that. And I answered yes, in a way, which was, that I didn’t understand anything at all. What I was used to, had been ruined inside myself, and around me. My parents didn’t know about this, and they didn’t found out about it afterwards either. I remember that I answered yes to my friend; but I don’t remember what I had said.

This state I was in, when I wanted to talk to my friend again, is what explains what happened. I became desperate and felt sorry, but I didn’t understand about it. I hadn’t want to be at the mountain summer pasture together with my mother’s mother, but I didn’t understand that any longer either. Then I desperately said something terrible bad and cruel about my friend’s father, because of what my mother’s mother had done to me, but I didn’t understand that I said something. I neither remembered nor understood what I had said. My parents never talked like my mother’s mother had done. And my mother’s mother knew that. My parents didn’t know what she had done to me. Therefore, my parents didn’t understand what had happened.

My mother’s mother hasn’t had any influence over me regarding the communism, because I didn’t understand anything about what she talked about this summer. I didn’t understand that she had talked about communism. I didn’t know, or didn’t understand, what communism was either.

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The year after the summer 1963, I went to my friend to talk with him again, about that we could walk to school together. He should start school a year after me. That must be because my mother’s mother had regretted what she had done the year before, and she wanted to make it well again. She talked with me about that I should go to my friend, and talk with him again, when I came home. But she didn’t know anything at all about my life at home, and only messed it up more and more every time she meddled in my life at home.

My friend didn’t want to have anything to do with me, and he should start at another school, than the school I went to. I didn’t understand anything about why he didn’t want to be together with me. I didn’t understand anything about why no one wanted to be together with me. I was together with my mother’s mother at the mountain summer pasture every summer during my childhood. My parents wasn’t able to do anything with my problems, because they didn’t know why it had been like that. But my mother’s mother was able to make things worse than she already had done. I didn’t understand anything. My mother’s mother was always kind to me, and I couldn’t understand that she did something, that ruined for me. This developed an incoherent and destructive mess in my mind, which I didn’t understand. How things was in my life, from year to year; disappeared in my mind, from year to year. My parents thought it was good for me to be at the mountain summer pasture, because they never heard anything else.

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One thing about the communism, that has been misunderstood, is the question about ownership. The communism is taken up with this question, because of how they think that it is wrong, that people own power over other people. I think the criminals have influenced bout the communists, and all the others, to understand everything wrong about this question about ownership of power over other humans. I also think that the criminals have influenced people to be communists in wrong ways. I think the criminals have messed up everything, and also influenced people to get all kinds of different political ideas in wrong ways. It is necessary for us to find out about this. I think it is trickery by the criminals, how the communism has been at the center of a problematic political situation, after 1900.

The communism is also taken up with the question about war. The communism looks at wars as something wrong, that power holders do, to gain more power over other people. But all modern responsible political ideas are against wars in such ways. I think the criminals have used the communism, and all the other political ideas also, to hide what they really are doing. The criminal’s have influenced all political ideas in wrong ways. It is necessary for us to find out about this. Everything has become wrong.

My thoughts about communism, is that it originally was groups of people, who came together because they wanted to develop their knowledge and understanding about humans and societies. I think that originally the communists weren’t political parties, I think about the time around 1900.

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I have never had a one‐sided political way of thinking. I am used to looking at each political topic from different political points of views. My father said to me, that he thought it was dangerous if one political party got too much power. He said; that he thought, that it was best, that the power was distributed between different political parties. My mother said to me, that different people with different political views, all wanted to do something good in different ways. She thought about our family and friends. I wasn’t taught by my parents to believe in one particular political party. I have thought much about that all responsible people, will believe in what is true; and that it is important to find out about what is true. I also think that this was what, it all was about, early in our modern political development, from around 1900. What happened; was that all political parties changed their ways of thinking.

My opinion is; that it is necessary to find out about, and understand about, what the criminals are doing. I think they have messed up everything, which has to do with politics.

My mother’s mother hasn’t had any influence over my political thinking at all. I have never got a single sign of that she cared about politics at all. She cared much about everything she could know about in her local environment, where she was a positive and active person.

Actually, I think that my mother’s mother didn’t have any political opinion. I think that she only was political confused.

I also think about, that what it was, which was ruined for my mother’s mother, was to be a normal mother’s mother. A normal mother’s mother had been glad to have visitors, and asked her grandchild about how things go. I think that is what, my mother’s mother really had wanted to be. If she had done that; then she had got to know, that I had much fun, and that everything was going very well. And she could have been glad to hear that.

I have an experience of that I am influenced to not to be able to understand, that my mother’s mother was influenced by the criminals. But I don’t know if that is correct.

My life has become an incomprehensible mess. To find out about it, and understand about it, is something positive, which gives meaning.

June 11, 2017, David H. Hegg