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186. The real myself

After the last text “185. It Ain’t Easy” October 29, I have got an experience of that I now have contact with the person I originally was, early in the seventies. Now it is as if I all the time have been that person; but I haven’t had contact with it. Today, I feel like that this is the person, whom I always have been; all the time, in all these years. I feel like that I never have been anyone else.

After the influences against me in 1975, it is as if I haven’t known about the person I really am anymore, even I all the time have been that person. I think that this is how the influences have tricked the person I really am. The influences have influenced me in a way, which has caused this to be like that. The person who influenced me, got that kind of control over me.

What is this? Just now, I haven’t thought more about that, than what I have written above. These are new thoughts for me today. First, I didn’t want to write about this, because it was unfinished thoughts. However, after thinking about it for some hours, I thought that I could write a little about these unfinished thoughts.

It is something with this. It is about the person I really am. And it is about what the influences did to me. The influences didn’t take away the person I really am. I think the influences influenced me to experience, that I was the influences. And the influences influenced me to experience that the person, whom I really am, had disappeared for me in my mind. My mind had become filled up with the influences, which had started to control how my mind functioned. The influences was something which hid itself, in a way like it was behind my mind, so I couldn’t understand that it was something there.

It is as if the influences had got a kind of control over how my mind functioned. Because of this; it is as if the influences could hide the person I really am. It is as if the influences controlled what I should remember, think, feel, experience and do, etc. It is as if the influences had taken over the role in me, which the real myself earlier had had.

I think this has worked in a way, which was, that my real myself shouldn’t be able to begin to understand about what had happened to me. That could in a way be, like that my real myself had fall asleep, and because of that had become inactive. That I have found out about this; is as if my real myself has become active and taken up with what this is. It is as if it is, that the real myself has found out about what has happened to me. The more I understand about this, the more the real myself get control over myself again.

When thinking about these things, I ask myself; if myself is influenced to change, or if myself is influenced to be inactive? The first answer in my mind is; that it is both. But that answer is only that I have started to think about what this can be. How the development of the influences have been gradually, step by step, and have wormed their ways; show that this has been a phased influence. Just now, it seems for me as if myself both has been inactive and changed. These are introductory thoughts, which haven’t reached a final conclusion.

The influences had created their own role in me; there is no question about that. It seems for me as if these influences have been established in a neutral place in me, and that they have controlled me from there, that they have controlled all parts of my mind. This can in a way be, that the influences had done the real myself inactive, and activated another, changed and artificial myself.

The influences themselves, had established their own role. Now it seems for me, as if this is, that the real myself had started to find out about these influences’ role, and that I because of that, have been able to find out about it, and done the influences inactive. So now, the influences are inactive in me, and the real myself has been active. Just now, that seems correct for me.

This text is some spontaneous thoughts about this, which I just now have been thinking. The text is unfinished thoughts.

November 3, 2017, David H. Hegg